Think WIN - WIN

 

Those of you who have read Stephen Covey’s famous book “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” would have come across the term Think WIN - WIN, which he propagates as the 4^th Habit.

He mentions that there are 4 possible states we can arrive at while interacting with someone, which are: I WIN – YOU LOSE; I LOSE – YOU WIN; I LOSE – YOU LOSE; I WIN - YOU WIN.

While a few may be skeptical about whether it is even possible to arrive at that ideal state of WIN - WIN, I have had experiences, where this was very much possible. I would like to share 2 such incidents in my life, where I was able to achieve this.

The first one was way back in 1998, when I was in the business of manufacturing and marketing, Asafoetida in my hometown, Tuticorin. I had a tough competition from another company in Rajapalayam, who was making the same product and selling it in Tuticorin market. In terms of quality, both our products were equally good, but when it came to price, my competitor was able to sell it cheaper. Thereby, he was making it difficult for me, to penetrate the market. After struggling with this situation, for a few months, one fine day, an idea came to my mind - “Instead of competing with that brand, why don’t I befriend that owner and look at ways for collaboration.”  So, I invited him to my office and just started a casual conversation. I asked him what is the volume of business he is doing in the Tuticorin market? He gave me a number. I then asked him, “If I lift that entire volume from you, will you be able to give me a discounted price, and stay away from my market?”  I was surprised that he readily agreed to my proposal. He felt that it was a good idea, as it could save him a lot of time, hard work and the troublesome work of collecting payments. We made a deal. Using a collaborative strategy, I was able to remove a competitor from my business.

The second one was somewhere in 2005. A tender was floated by BSNL, Tirunelveli to give soft skills training to over 2000 employees, over 6 months. It was published in the Newspaper and one of my friends forwarded it to me and said, “Why don’t you participate in this tender through PALMS?” I immediately replied, “It is a government tender and there might be a lot of formalities involved. Moreover, it is a huge project and with the amount of time and resources I have at my disposal, I don’t think I will be able to handle it.”  He agreed to my argument, but still insisted – “There is nothing wrong in giving it a try. If you get it, it is good. If you don’t get it, that is OK too.”

This made me ponder a bit. Though I felt inadequate, I gathered my strength and talked to the trainers in my circle. A few of them were excited about the opportunity and gave me their consent to commit themselves to the training assignment, without any pre-conditions of their remuneration. They said, “Whatever money we get, we will share it fairly.” With this assurance I got from the trainers, I hopefully started working on the tender. I did not have any idea about how to make a competitive bid, but I just worked out a reasonable rate, with a fair profit margin, and submitted my quote.

 

To my surprise that tender came through. Let me share how it happened. There were 3 bidders for the tender, and all of us had quoted different prices. In a general scenario, the company with the lowest quote will win the tender. But the approach of the General Manager, who served BSNL Tirunelveli, at that point of time, was radically different. He invited all the 3 bidders for a discussion. Based on the range of quotes we have submitted, he negotiated with us and arrived at a uniform price. He then split the total assignment volume into 3 and each one of us was assigned a particular number of participants to train. The work got easier and well executed. It was a win–win situation, for everyone. At the end of the whole process, I was amazed at how the whole thing had turned out. It made me relate to the quote, “It is better to try and fail and not try at all.”

Always remember this. When you ask someone for something, you will either get as “Yes” or a “No.” If it is a YES, it is a win for you and if it is a NO, it is perfectly fine too. Because, without asking, it is already a NO and therefore it doesn’t make a difference. You can at least have the satisfaction, I tried and failed rather than did not try at all.

In a world of cooperation and collaboration, everything is possible. So, always believe and try to work on a WIN- WIN situation for all. In the process, you will end up creating more friends, and no enemies.

   D. Senthil Kannan,

   CEO, PALMS Training & Consulting (P) Ltd., Tuticorin.

   Author of "Transformational Thoughts" - A Journey of learning 

   Email: senthilkannand@gmail.com

 

Common Sense, Commonly Absent

One of my teachers at school, quite often used the phrase “Common sense, commonly absent”, in a witty manner, when we committed some silly mistake.  It felt like a joke when he used to say it, but as I grow older, I can relate to this phrase in different contexts several times, when people behave in weird ways.

Let me share a small example. A few days back, when I went for my morning walk to a park, I had parked my car on the road adjacent to the place. There are no parking sign boards or designated parking areas, so people park their vehicles, wherever they want, as per their convenience.  I had parked my car, in the usual place and went for a walk. When I came back, I noticed that one person had parked his two-wheeler in front of my car and another one had parked his two-wheeler behind my car, and both the vehicles were securely fastened with the neck lock. They could have either parked their bike, near the other two-wheelers that were parked there, or they could have parked it in some other place, which wouldn’t be a hindrance to others. The best part is there was plenty of other free spaces. There was no way I could move my car, except to wait for one of the two persons to come. I had to face the difficulty of being stranded, because of someone’s insensible behaviour. This I think is a fitting example, of “Common sense, commonly absent”.

Well, this is just one of the many such incidents, we face on a day-to-day basis and sadly we have no recourse to it. So, we just put up with it. Here are a few more areas, where we could see people’s inappropriate behaviour.

One such observation is the way people stand in a queue. The purpose of the queue is meant for everyone to gain access to something, in an orderly manner. There is enough for everyone and so there is no need to hurry. But people have a desperate mindset, that they behave so rashly and ruthlessly in public places. People cut queues, to save time, as if their time is more important than that of others. This is more often evident when I visit temples. Well, everyone comes there to pray and get the darshan of the Lord. There is no need to push people, to see God in such a hurry.  He is not going to go anywhere. Everyone will get a chance to get a good darshan if only people can be a little patient, but people annoy others by pushing each other, shouting, and grabbing space within the crowd. It becomes an awkward scene, especially when we go with our family.

Another unpleasant sight is the way people dispose garbage, especially in tourist places. Garbage bins are placed everywhere. Though it may not be nearby, if we can search a bit we can find it. People can carry the garbage, till they find a bin to dispose. But most people behave like cattle, just disposing off any waste they generate, on the go.

With the increasing number of cars and bikes, finding parking space is becoming increasingly difficult. The parking slots allotted by the Corporation are not sufficient and people look out for places to park their vehicles. In the process, they tend to park their vehicles in front of other people’s house gates, not even considering that people living in the house will have to move in and move out when they need.

Traffic signals and sign boards cannot be put up everywhere. People should have the basic common sense, to be sensitive enough to others' needs, while taking care of their convenience. When people put their convenience, above anything else and start to take everyone for granted, they create an unpleasant social environment, which makes it difficult for peaceful co-existence.

Rules and regulations are created, solely for the safe and peaceful co-existence of people. However, it cannot be enforced everywhere. For example, “Don’t’ smoke in public places” is a rule. But do you think, we can enforce it?  Transformation can happen only when one consciously adopts it, considering the damage they are causing to passive smokers.  Similarly overtaking vehicles on the wrong side is against the rule, but we can’t expect to have a cop positioned everywhere to get hold of the violators. Only when they realize that their behaviour is prone to accidents, that can harm not only them but also others, will they change.

Rules and regulations cannot be laid every where. There are places where people have to use their conscience and common sense. A saying goes, “Do unto others, what you want them to do unto you.” If people can internalize this, I hope they will behave more appropriately.

    D. Senthil Kannan,

    CEO, PALMS Training & Consulting (P) Ltd., Tuticorin.

    Author of "Transformational Thoughts" - A Journey of learning 

    Email: senthilkannand@gmail.com

Drain or Gain?

International Day of Family Remittances was observed on 16^th June.  The day recognizes the importance of migrant workers and the humongous efforts and hardships they put up with, to support and uplift their families. I was pleasantly surprised and delighted that there is a day to recognize and celebrate these people.

While many people complain of brain drain in the country, I am someone who believes that human potential should flourish in the right environment.

Moreover, I feel that the migrants of a country are not only helping their families, but also helping the nation, through your overseas remittances. Just to give an idea, about how much money comes into India, through foreign remittances. According to the World Bank, India received $125 billion in foreign remittances in 2023. This is the highest number of remittances in the world, and accounts for 3.4% of India's GDP. The Indian diaspora, which is estimated to be around 35 million people, plays a crucial role in supporting families and contributing to the country's economic resilience.

It is not just about the money they bring into the country, but also the pride they add to our country. Don’t we feel proud, when we say that the CEO of Google or Microsoft is an Indian?

A country with huge population like India, should acknowledge the fact that we do not have enough white-collar job opportunities within the country and so it is a good idea to go out in search of opportunities. Like the Tamil poet Bharathi says "Thirai kadal odi thiraviam thedu." (Cross the seas, in search of treasures).

It is not just about the white collar, but there are a lot of blue-collar workers, who go abroad, to do menial jobs. A lot of construction labour, nurses, helpers, cleaners, migrate to Gulf and other countries, with the only intention of supporting their families.

To give you a glimpse of the hardships they go through, let me share something, I heard from one of my ex-staff, Mr. Kannan, who migrated to the Gulf, in search of better pastures.

One fine day, after 3 years, of leaving my company, Kannan dropped into my office. I was glad to see him. While he was working here, he was the office peon and was drawing a low salary, which was hardly sufficient for him to make ends meet. But now, he looked well off, wearing a nice dress and some gold ornaments, like a bracelet and chain. Few moments, after exchanging some formal greeting and words, I told him, I was so happy to see him reach this level of financial status. The moment I told him that, he burst into tears and started weeping like a child. I was puzzled for a moment, but a little later he started telling me about his life and his daily routine, which was so painful to hear.

He said that he was put along with a few more co-workers in small rooms, in a labour camp, which has bunker beds and minimum facilities. It is located far away from the city and there is no way, he could go out.

His routine starts early. They must be ready by 7am. A vehicle comes to pick them up and travels for more than an hour to reach the city. There, they will be dropped in at different workplaces, where a supervisor will allot them the work for the day. In fact, they are not even dropped in the same workplace for more than a few consecutive days, because the labour contractors are apprehensive, that may make some local friends, and complain about their situation. They are picked up back at around 6pm and reach their labour camp around 7pm.  After that they have to do all their domestic chores such as cook their own food, wash their clothes and hardly have any free time, except to eat and sleep. Their passports are held with the contractors, and they can go to India, only during the allotted holidays.

I asked him, why does he continue to go to work there in spite of all the hardships. What he said touched my heart so deeply. He said, “Sir, I am crying only in front of you. But in front of my parents and family members, I put up a happy face. They are happy and comfortable, because of the money I am able to earn and send to them. If they know, I am in pain, then they will not send me to work. Their happiness will vanish. I don’t want that to happen.”

I was pleased to hear of his noble intentions. Many times, we fail to appreciate the amount of sacrifice, they do, just for the cause of their family to live a better life back in their homeland.

There is always a debate about migrant workers, as to whether it is a boon or bane. To me a migrant worker is a boon, both from where he migrates and to where he migrates to.  They deserve our respect and understanding, rather than being looked down upon.

D. Senthil Kannan,

CEO, PALMS Training & Consulting (P) Ltd., Tuticorin.

Author of "Transformational Thoughts" - A Journey of learning 

Email: senthilkannand@gmail.com

 

The Path of Yoga

The International Day of Yoga is observed on the 21st of June of every year (Summer solstice day) to raise awareness about the many benefits of practicing yoga. Yoga is a holistic practice aimed at the wellness of the body, mind, and soul.

The word "yoga" comes from the Sanskrit word, “Yog” which denotes the solid cylindrical wooden part which is used to join or unite the two bullocks to a bullock cart. The purpose of this is to keep both the bullocks walking at a uniform pace so that the cart it pulls can have a smooth movement. Just like how the Yog, keeps both bullocks together, Yoga is a set of practices, which aims at uniting the body and mind, for a smooth movement of life.

Yoga has several components, that altogether make a Yogic way of life. However, we don’t have to be a Yogi to practice Yoga. We can be selective in choosing the components, that we feel will enhance our wellbeing. Let’s explore some components of Yoga, to have a better idea.

Yogic Breathing – Pranayama is a word, we often hear. It is one of the many Yogic breathing techniques, which involves breathing through one nostril and exhaling through the other, and vice versa. Similarly, there are different breathing techniques aimed at achieving and maximizing the benefits of breathing. There is a strong connection between our breathing and our emotions. By regulating our breath, we can regulate our emotions. So yogic breathing exercises have several benefits such as being able to focus, enhancing the breathing capacity of the lungs, and supplying more oxygenated blood to the body and brain, which helps a person to stay active and agile.

Yogic practices or lifestyle - Yogic practices consist of waking up in the early hours of the morning, before sunrise. The early hours of the morning which is generally between 4 am to 5.30 am called Brahma muhurtham. It is considered an auspicious time, as our mind is in a subliminal state, which aids one to engage in meditation and spiritual practices. The yogic diet consists of having pranic vegetarian food. It avoids the consumption of non-vegetarian food, drinking alcohol, and smoking. It involves sitting on the ground to eat food, lying on the floor without a mattress or pillow, using the Indian style of toilet for excretion, and so on. These are difficult to practice in the modern day, but a few yogis, still follow them.

Yogic Exercises: Yoga exercises are called Yog asanas. Each asana has a name. One of the popular asanas is called Surya Namaskar, which is the salutation to Sun God. All Yog asanas aim at increasing the flexibility of the body and strengthening the muscles, bones, and joints. In addition to the external parts of the body, some of the asanas are directed at strengthening and healing the internal organs, like the liver, kidney, spleen, lungs, heart, and so on.

Yoga Relaxation: Yoga has a set of relaxation exercises too. Santhi Asana is a pose of a person lying flat on the ground with hands open. This relaxation posture sometimes includes a guided visual imagery exercise of scanning the different parts of the body, where each part of the body is felt and made to relax.

Yogic Paths:  There are 4 Yogic Paths, and it is believed that any of the four yogic paths can lead to the neutralization of ego-directed feelings:

• Karma Yoga - The yoga of action, focuses on performing unselfish actions without being attached to consequences. In simple terms, it is like the philosophy of “Work is worship”.

• Bhakti Yoga -The yoga of devotion, emphasizes on one’s devotion to God, by chanting hymns, prayers, and mantras, in praise of the lord and expressing gratitude.

•  Jnana Yoga -The yoga of knowledge, involves gaining knowledge of the true self through self-study and analysis. It involves questions like “Who am I” and a pursuit in search of the eternal truth. 

•   Raja Yoga - The "royal" yoga path aims to train the mind, through meditation as a path to self-realization and spiritual liberation.

India proudly proclaims, that Yoga is India's greatest gift to the world and there are no second thoughts about it because it is an all-encompassing philosophy. It combines the best of both Eastern and Western wisdom, for one’s well-being.

Unfortunately, not many Indians know about Yoga or practice yoga in their daily life. As an Indian, it is important for us to know about Yoga, so that when we meet a foreigner, we will be able to say something about this Indian wisdom, to them.

Wishing you a happy International Yoga Day. This year, resolve to incorporate at least one of the above yoga practices, in your life.

   D. Senthil Kannan,

   CEO, PALMS Training & Consulting (P) Ltd., Tuticorin.

   Author of "Transformational Thoughts" - A Journey of learning 

   Email: senthilkannand@gmail.com

 

Thriving amidst differences

A few days back, I received a WhatsApp forward that read something like this,

“Friends, please don’t fight over politics with your friends and relatives and ruin your beautiful relationship.  In a few days, the election will be over, and your favourite candidate will go away.  If you fall, it is your friend who will rush to you for help and not the election candidate. And it is your friends, who you need forever.”

Though positioned as a joke, it is so profound. We see so much of arguments everywhere, over several things such as politics, religion, cinema, technology, industrialization, environment, social changes, law, and more. Everyone has a strong standpoint and is convinced that only they are right, and all others are wrong. This sort of thinking is a deterrent to existing friendships and to make new ones. Being adamant in our views and opinions, will only distance us from our existing friends and shun us away from potential friends.

This made me ponder, is it possible to co-exist peacefully, in a world where there are so much of differences? With some deep reflection, I felt we could.

Let us look at a few potential areas, where there can be differences of opinion or arguments and see how we can handle it in a more congenial manner.

Let us say there, are two friends, one is a believer, and another is an atheist. Well, the believer friend may like to visit a place of worship and the atheist friend may think it is a waste of time. However, as a friend, he can be considerate enough to accompany him. There is no need for him, to worship but he can respect the sentiments of his friend and just go along with him.

Similarly, there may be two friends belonging to different religions. Their ideology of God or their way of worship may be different.  However, if they can embrace the thought that “All paths lead to the same truth”, they can learn to respect the differences and appreciate the similarities. Instead of arguing about which God is mightier or which religion is right, we can choose to respect the differences. We can celebrate, greet each other, and exchange gifts with friends during the respective festivals.

Another area of conflict can be lifestyle differences, which might result from religion, culture, or just philosophy. For instance, being a Vegetarian or Non-Vegetarian is one’s choice, which could be based on one’s values or religious beliefs. Quite often when we travel or go for an outing, we can be a little adaptive, to ensure that everyone’s need is taken care of. I can go to a non-vegetarian hotel and have vegetarian food. Similarly, the non-vegetarian friend can be considerate enough to see that the non-vegetarian restaurant he plans to go, has enough Vegetarian options on the menu.

The same goes for consuming liquor. It is so normal nowadays, that friends chill out over a drink. One friend might want to enjoy a drink, while to the other it might be against his principles.  However, instead of condemning the other as a drunkard, he can give company and enjoy the electrifying ambience of the party or the pub. He doesn't need to drink liquor. There are so many mocktails and other alternatives that he can have if he wants to. Similarly, the friend who drinks can be sensitive to his friend’s preference and not persuade him to drink. In fact, having a friend who doesn’t drink, is a blessing, because he can drive you back home safely.

Another area of conflict is often about which Nation is superior.  Everyone is proud of their own country and there is nothing wrong about it. However, it should not be in the cost of degrading another. One Mr. Vedachalam, a famous Tamil historian and archaeologist, conveyed this beautifully, during one of his speeches. “To everyone their Nation is like their mother. Your mother is best to you and for your friend his mother is best to him. There is no way we can compare and make the other person accept that you are right, because it is personal and emotional in nature.”

I think the same applies for politics. Everyone has a favourite political party or leader, for their own reasons. So, it is wise to tread here cautiously.  We have to understand everyone has their right to opinion and learn to accept the differences and move on.  All of us have some pet ideologies, but that shouldn’t interfere with our friendship.

Good friendship is about transcending these mental limitations and connecting on an emotional level, through empathy and understanding. Finding the common ground is the basis of any friendship and let not the differences deter your friendship. By developing this attitude, we can ensure our friendship not only survives, but also thrives amidst differences.

    D. Senthil Kannan,

    CEO, PALMS Training & Consulting (P) Ltd., Tuticorin.

    Author of "Transformational Thoughts" - A Journey of learning 

    Email: senthilkannand@gmail.com

 

Seize Opportunity

 

India is one of the fastest-growing GDP in the world. All heads are turning to India. Everyone in the world is eyeing India, as a major investment destination. With so much FDI coming into India, are you geared up to take up the many opportunities that this new ecosystem will create?

So, how do you look at this?  Do you see all these developments as a problem or as a possibility? Are you skeptical or are you raving to go and become a part of India’s growth story?

 

Take some time to introspect, on how you handle opportunities. Are you reluctant and find excuses or do you grab it quickly and make it happen?  Opportunities are quick to come and quick to go and it is important to act on it swiftly.

If you are not acting on it, ask yourself, “What is stopping me from taking up the new opportunities, that are coming my way? Is it my conservative or contended mindset? Is it my lack of skills? Is it my lack of financial resources? Or is it just my lack of guts?

While everything plays a crucial role, quite often it is our lack of guts that is the stumbling block.  (though not many of us may admit it).  All of us are afraid to take risks. What if I do something new and fail? But, as you know, there are no rewards without risks.

 

When opportunity comes your way, say Yes first and then see how we can figure it out. This might sound contradictory to conventional belief, but this is the new reality. Let me illustrate this with an interesting incident.

One of my friends had applied for a job and he was called for an interview. At the interview, he was asked whether he knew how to operate a computer. He had no idea, about computers, and had never used one before. However, in his desperate need to get the job, he replied YES. The interviewer immediately asked him to do some typing work in the computer system located in the office. To his luck, one MS Word blank document file was already open in the system and so he immediately went and started typing (he was proficient in typing). The interviewer was impressed by his work speed and gave him a job. The same evening, he got the job, he went to a computer training institute and enrolled himself for computer course and started learning the needed computers skills.  Though computer skill was a pre-requisite for the job, he learnt the skill on the go and step by step, he has now risen in his ladder to become an HR manager of that company. Following the saying, “Luck favours the brave.” his brave affirmative answer was the stepping stone, to what he has achieved in life.

Here is another example that you might be able to relate to. You might have noticed that, when you visit some shop and ask for a particular product, the shopkeeper may not have that item readily available, but he knows where to procure it. So, he will immediately tell you that it is in the godown and ask you to please be seated for a few minutes. He will thereupon summon one of his employees to go and fetch the item. The person he summons knows where to get it from. So, he rushes to the shop, buys it, and brings it here and the sale is made. For example, the cost of the product might have been Rs.100/- and the shopkeeper would easily sell it for Rs.120/- thereby making a profit, and at the same time pleasing the customer, with his wonderful customer service. This is another classic example of seizing the opportunity.

 Sometimes, we may not have all the right answers, but we should have the courage to take the plunge and figure out the solutions on the go.  It is only in times of discomfort that our minds get sharp and start to explore all the different possibilities to make things happen.

Of course, it doesn’t always work in one’s favour. It can backfire too. But with this rapidly changing world, it is difficult to be always prepared. The best way to handle uncertainties is to be quick to adapt. I read a WhatsApp DP status that read “When nothing is certain, anything is possible”. This is the mindset needed to break out of our comfort zone and try out something new. It is a mark of a progressive mind.

Remember this, “People who are reluctant always miss the bus. Good opportunities are rare and when it knocks your door, grab it and don’t let it pass.”

   D. Senthil Kannan,

   CEO, PALMS Training & Consulting (P) Ltd., Tuticorin.

   Author of "Transformational Thoughts" - A Journey of learning 

   Email: senthilkannand@gmail.com

 

Tough Love

Many years back, I had the opportunity to attend a Seminar at Chennai. The topic of the Seminar was “No Excuses” by a speaker named John Foppe, from the USA.

Foppe was born without arms. However, this handicap did not stop him, from living a life like anyone else. He had learnt to use his foot to do the many things, we normal human beings do with our hands. He even demonstrated on stage, a few things he does daily, like drinking a cup of coffee, which got the audience, amazed.

During his speech, he shared several beautiful insights, which broadened my perception of life. Of all that he said, the concept of Tough love is something that made me ponder deeper.

Foppe doesn’t like to call his problem a handicap. He would rather call it a condition that he was born with and accept it as a reality rather than brooding over it. He said, our true handicaps lie not in external conditions but in the conditioning of our minds, which can be a more significant hindrance than any physical limitation. The way we think, can either empower or limit us.

He shared about his childhood and how his mother’s "Tough Love" was the catalyst for his transformation. He shared an emotionally deep touching incident in his life. Once, while he was struggling with his inadequacies, attempting to wear a dress by himself, he found that his mother chose not to help. Despite his shouts for assistance, she remained outside, silently crying within herself. For Foppe, this experience was tough love in action – a moment that shocked him but ultimately made him capable of doing challenging things independently. Foppe's experience echoes the sentiment that tough love is not about being unloving but about preparing individuals for the harsh realities of life. Foppe says, “Life is tough, but it becomes infinitely easy if we get tough with ourselves”.  It involves cultivating resilience, facing adversity with courage, and developing an unwavering determination to overcome obstacles.

There is a nice quote by Albert Einstein, "I am thankful for all of those who said NO to me. It's because of them I’m doing it myself".  This is so profound.

I have heard about this strange behaviour of monkeys in the forest. We have all seen how a mother monkey carries its baby when it jumps from tree to tree. The baby monkey clings to the mother's body. While jumping, if the little monkey falls, the mother doesn't rush to the rescue. It just lets it go. Cruel, it sounds. Right? But in the monkey world, the mother understands that the survival skill for a monkey is a strong grip on the branches, and if the baby monkey can't do it, it is considered unfit to live.  If the little one survives, it has learnt the lesson. If not, it just dies. This is yet another classic example of “Tough Love.”

Similarly, it is quite common, that we sometimes doubt our parent’s love, but if we start looking at the intention behind our parent’s actions, we will realize what they did was for their good.  As I reflect on my own life, I realise a few situations, where my parents showed me tough love.

Once it so happened, during one of our family tours, we went out shopping. As we were strolling between shops, I flicked a small item from a shop, just for a sense of thrill. When I came back to the car, my mother came to know of it. She immediately told me to go and return it to the shopkeeper and say sorry. I refused to do so, as it would be too embarrassing for me. But she was firm and made me do it. I was so angry with her that day, for putting me down in front of someone, but it also ensured that I didn’t repeat such a mistake ever again.

My dad sent me to a hostel school when I was 10 years old. Though I struggled with the change initially and had many difficult moments to handle, it made me independent, and I learnt to do a lot of things by myself.

Nowadays, we can see how much kids are so pampered. They are spoon-fed so much that they are not able to do many things on their own, even after they are grown up. They don’t seem to be willing to take NO for an answer, for anything they ask for. Parents on their part, readily oblige to all their whims and fancies, even though they know it is wrong. It is a sad situation and a genuine cause of concern.

Tough love seems to be a secret recipe, for raising a stronger and more resilient, future generation.

D. Senthil Kannan,

CEO, PALMS Training & Consulting (P) Ltd., Tuticorin.

Author of "Transformational Thoughts" - A Journey of learning 

Email: senthilkannand@gmail.com

Space vs Intimacy

“Your freedom ends where my nose begins.”

We are constantly battling between two innate human needs. The need for intimacy and the need for our personal space.

We all want to share intimate moments with family, friends, colleagues, and our social acquaintances. It feels good when that happens, but after a certain point of time, this intimacy starts to feel a bit suffocating, and we start to look out for some space where we can be ourselves.       

I have heard someone say, “God is like fire. If you go too far from him, you will feel cold, but if you try to go too close to him, you will feel his immense heat. But, when you stay at the right distance, you will experience his warmth, without getting scorched or burnt.”

I think this applies to humans too. When we like someone, we tend to get too close, but when we get too close, we will start to notice many flaws in that person. Moreover, too much intimacy starts to feel like an interference into our personal space and we start to feel irritated with a particular person. But when that person moves away, we feel lonely and isolated. So, we need to strike the right balance between these two extremes.

Let us look into the four dimensions of our life, where we struggle to balance this and see how we can get it right.

Physical space – At the physical level, we crave for gentle touches in the form of handshakes, hugs, and gentle pats on our back, at appropriate moments. These are also called “Positive strokes”.  However, when it comes from people not close to us, we feel embarrassed or even uncomfortable. So physical intimacy is something, we can enjoy only with a selected few, close people in our life. Personal space is defined as anything ranging between 18 inches to 4 feet. Anything below 18 inches is considered an invasion of private space. This is the reason, we often feel uncomfortable in crowded places, be it a bus or a train.

Mental space: Good conversation is the beginning of a good relationship. Our best friends are those with whom we share an intellectual compatibility.

We all have ideas and opinions. We like to share it with others and when it is reciprocated well, we feel comfortable. But when our ideas are neglected or if our opinions are challenged, we feel the need to withdraw from a conversation. We prefer to be silent, rather than talk with people who don’t gel well with our thoughts. Similarly, we don’t like anyone to interfere with the decisions we are making unless called for. This is because we value our mental space, to think the way we think.

Emotional space: Humans are blessed with a variety of emotions. We are happy to share a few emotions with others, and not comfortable sharing a few. It takes time for us to allow any relationship to enter our emotional space.  We don't want to feel vulnerable, by oversharing and it is perfectly normal. We have the right to feel the way we feel, and we don't want to be criticized or invalidated for our feelings. Emotional boundaries allow us to create emotional safety by respecting each other’s feelings.

Spiritual space – In one of the training programmes I attended, the facilitator narrowed down our answers to the question, “Who are you?”. The final answer, which felt very close to reality is “I am a soul, in a human form”.  Doesn’t it make sense? We are all born alone and will die alone. So, we need to know, that no matter how significant our relationship is, we are all separate entities. So, let us not be possessive of any relationship, be it your spouse, children, or parents. Each one of us is a different soul and every soul has its own destiny. We can’t live other’s life.

Being aware of the spaces we need, allows us to give that space to others too. It is good to have this space, to step back and look at things from a distance so that we get a better perspective.

It is important to set boundaries, in even our most intimate relationships. If not, our individuality will be overshadowed and can become an inhibiting factor for our growth. Setting clear boundaries improves relationships by creating clear expectations, of what we like and what we don't like.

     D. Senthil Kannan,

     CEO, PALMS Training & Consulting (P) Ltd., Tuticorin.

     Author of "Transformational Thoughts" - A Journey of learning 

     Email: senthilkannand@gmail.com