Tough Love

Many years back, I had the opportunity to attend a Seminar at Chennai. The topic of the Seminar was “No Excuses” by a speaker named John Foppe, from the USA.

Foppe was born without arms. However, this handicap did not stop him, from living a life like anyone else. He had learnt to use his foot to do the many things, we normal human beings do with our hands. He even demonstrated on stage, a few things he does daily, like drinking a cup of coffee, which got the audience, amazed.

During his speech, he shared several beautiful insights, which broadened my perception of life. Of all that he said, the concept of Tough love is something that made me ponder deeper.

Foppe doesn’t like to call his problem a handicap. He would rather call it a condition that he was born with and accept it as a reality rather than brooding over it. He said, our true handicaps lie not in external conditions but in the conditioning of our minds, which can be a more significant hindrance than any physical limitation. The way we think, can either empower or limit us.

He shared about his childhood and how his mother’s "Tough Love" was the catalyst for his transformation. He shared an emotionally deep touching incident in his life. Once, while he was struggling with his inadequacies, attempting to wear a dress by himself, he found that his mother chose not to help. Despite his shouts for assistance, she remained outside, silently crying within herself. For Foppe, this experience was tough love in action – a moment that shocked him but ultimately made him capable of doing challenging things independently. Foppe's experience echoes the sentiment that tough love is not about being unloving but about preparing individuals for the harsh realities of life. Foppe says, “Life is tough, but it becomes infinitely easy if we get tough with ourselves”.  It involves cultivating resilience, facing adversity with courage, and developing an unwavering determination to overcome obstacles.

There is a nice quote by Albert Einstein, "I am thankful for all of those who said NO to me. It's because of them I’m doing it myself".  This is so profound.

I have heard about this strange behaviour of monkeys in the forest. We have all seen how a mother monkey carries its baby when it jumps from tree to tree. The baby monkey clings to the mother's body. While jumping, if the little monkey falls, the mother doesn't rush to the rescue. It just lets it go. Cruel, it sounds. Right? But in the monkey world, the mother understands that the survival skill for a monkey is a strong grip on the branches, and if the baby monkey can't do it, it is considered unfit to live.  If the little one survives, it has learnt the lesson. If not, it just dies. This is yet another classic example of “Tough Love.”

Similarly, it is quite common, that we sometimes doubt our parent’s love, but if we start looking at the intention behind our parent’s actions, we will realize what they did was for their good.  As I reflect on my own life, I realise a few situations, where my parents showed me tough love.

Once it so happened, during one of our family tours, we went out shopping. As we were strolling between shops, I flicked a small item from a shop, just for a sense of thrill. When I came back to the car, my mother came to know of it. She immediately told me to go and return it to the shopkeeper and say sorry. I refused to do so, as it would be too embarrassing for me. But she was firm and made me do it. I was so angry with her that day, for putting me down in front of someone, but it also ensured that I didn’t repeat such a mistake ever again.

My dad sent me to a hostel school when I was 10 years old. Though I struggled with the change initially and had many difficult moments to handle, it made me independent, and I learnt to do a lot of things by myself.

Nowadays, we can see how much kids are so pampered. They are spoon-fed so much that they are not able to do many things on their own, even after they are grown up. They don’t seem to be willing to take NO for an answer, for anything they ask for. Parents on their part, readily oblige to all their whims and fancies, even though they know it is wrong. It is a sad situation and a genuine cause of concern.

Tough love seems to be a secret recipe, for raising a stronger and more resilient, future generation.

D. Senthil Kannan,

CEO, PALMS Training & Consulting (P) Ltd., Tuticorin.

Author of "Transformational Thoughts" - A Journey of learning 

Email: senthilkannand@gmail.com