Space vs Intimacy

“Your freedom ends where my nose begins.”

We are constantly battling between two innate human needs. The need for intimacy and the need for our personal space.

We all want to share intimate moments with family, friends, colleagues, and our social acquaintances. It feels good when that happens, but after a certain point of time, this intimacy starts to feel a bit suffocating, and we start to look out for some space where we can be ourselves.       

I have heard someone say, “God is like fire. If you go too far from him, you will feel cold, but if you try to go too close to him, you will feel his immense heat. But, when you stay at the right distance, you will experience his warmth, without getting scorched or burnt.”

I think this applies to humans too. When we like someone, we tend to get too close, but when we get too close, we will start to notice many flaws in that person. Moreover, too much intimacy starts to feel like an interference into our personal space and we start to feel irritated with a particular person. But when that person moves away, we feel lonely and isolated. So, we need to strike the right balance between these two extremes.

Let us look into the four dimensions of our life, where we struggle to balance this and see how we can get it right.

Physical space – At the physical level, we crave for gentle touches in the form of handshakes, hugs, and gentle pats on our back, at appropriate moments. These are also called “Positive strokes”.  However, when it comes from people not close to us, we feel embarrassed or even uncomfortable. So physical intimacy is something, we can enjoy only with a selected few, close people in our life. Personal space is defined as anything ranging between 18 inches to 4 feet. Anything below 18 inches is considered an invasion of private space. This is the reason, we often feel uncomfortable in crowded places, be it a bus or a train.

Mental space: Good conversation is the beginning of a good relationship. Our best friends are those with whom we share an intellectual compatibility.

We all have ideas and opinions. We like to share it with others and when it is reciprocated well, we feel comfortable. But when our ideas are neglected or if our opinions are challenged, we feel the need to withdraw from a conversation. We prefer to be silent, rather than talk with people who don’t gel well with our thoughts. Similarly, we don’t like anyone to interfere with the decisions we are making unless called for. This is because we value our mental space, to think the way we think.

Emotional space: Humans are blessed with a variety of emotions. We are happy to share a few emotions with others, and not comfortable sharing a few. It takes time for us to allow any relationship to enter our emotional space.  We don't want to feel vulnerable, by oversharing and it is perfectly normal. We have the right to feel the way we feel, and we don't want to be criticized or invalidated for our feelings. Emotional boundaries allow us to create emotional safety by respecting each other’s feelings.

Spiritual space – In one of the training programmes I attended, the facilitator narrowed down our answers to the question, “Who are you?”. The final answer, which felt very close to reality is “I am a soul, in a human form”.  Doesn’t it make sense? We are all born alone and will die alone. So, we need to know, that no matter how significant our relationship is, we are all separate entities. So, let us not be possessive of any relationship, be it your spouse, children, or parents. Each one of us is a different soul and every soul has its own destiny. We can’t live other’s life.

Being aware of the spaces we need, allows us to give that space to others too. It is good to have this space, to step back and look at things from a distance so that we get a better perspective.

It is important to set boundaries, in even our most intimate relationships. If not, our individuality will be overshadowed and can become an inhibiting factor for our growth. Setting clear boundaries improves relationships by creating clear expectations, of what we like and what we don't like.

     D. Senthil Kannan,

     CEO, PALMS Training & Consulting (P) Ltd., Tuticorin.

     Author of "Transformational Thoughts" - A Journey of learning 

     Email: senthilkannand@gmail.com