Be Right, Kindly

I often come across this phrase, “It is better to be kind, than to be right”. Though on a human relationship aspect this sounds correct, I have somehow not been able to come to terms with it. Does it mean, that no matter how wrong or stupid, someone behaves we don’t have the right to correct them and just remain kind?

Nowadays, the whole idea of what is wrong and what is right has become debatable. People jump in to say, “What may be wrong for you, is right for someone else and vice versa. It is just a matter of perception or value system.” Well, all this perception stuff is fine, but still we know there are times, people are doing thing that is going to hurt them in the long run. In such a situation, is it not wise to step in and offer counsel, instead of just sitting back, in the name of being kind? Of course, in spite of all the advice if the person is still going on the wrong track, nothing can be done and he has to face the consequences of his decisions. But that should not stop us from intervening and suggesting corrective measures, especially when it is our spouse, child, parent, sibling or friend.

So, how do we give corrective feedback to someone without straining the relationship?  No one likes to hear unsolicited advice, and specially giving a corrective feedback can cause bitterness in a relationship and make the person distance himself from us.  So, how do we do it?

I listened to a YouTube video by Swamiji Gaur Gopal Das, through which he shared a 4 question mechanism, of giving corrective feedback to the person, in a way without sounding offensive. So here are the 4 questions. Let us explore it, one by one

1. Am I the right person?  So, how do we know, if we are the right person. We are the right person if the individual is a relative or friend. We would also be the right person, if we are an authority in that field.

2. Do I have the right motive? The motive behind trying to correct someone should be an authentic effort, which will genuinely benefit the individual and not just to satisfy our ego or to find fault on someone.

3. Do I know the right way? Many a time, the intention is good, but the way it is communicated can sound so harsh or abusive, that the person immediately tends to switch off from listening to you. So, we need to mind the tone of our voice. The issue may not be so big to flare it up so loud. What is spoken gently is often listened better than what is shouted upon. So, it is not about expressing our emotion, but explaining our intention.

4. Is it the right time?  It is human nature that we are generally spontaneous in our criticism, but slow in appreciation. It should be the other way round. When you are going to communicate something unpleasant, we need to choose the right time, which is definitely not immediately after the flaw took place, but when we are cool and the other person is cool too. This will help us to express the issue better and for the other person to take it with a better attitude.

Following this 4 question approach, I guess we can be right and kind, to a person at the same time. Give it a try, the next time you are faced with such a situation.

D. Senthil Kannan,

Managing Trustee, PALMS, Tuticorin.

Author of "Transformational Thoughts" - A Journey of learning 

Email: senthilkannand@gmail.com