Do you Ask or Do you Tell?

If you start to observe closely the way how people communicate, you will realise that there are predominantly two types of communication styles. One is ASKING and another is TELLING. So what is the difference? The difference is simply in the way you phrase the sentence. That is all! But the type of response you get when ASKED Vs when TOLD could be significantly different. For example, when we are in need of something or need to get something done, we could either ASK or TELL.

 

If we are an TELL person, our communication style will be something like this:

v  Please get me some water to drink

v  Come and meet me at 5pm.

v  I want to discuss something important, right now.

v  I  have installed new software and don’t know how to use it. I need your help.

 

Whereas, if we are an ASK person, our communication style, for the same above statements, would be something like this:

v  Can you please get me some water to drink?

v  Will it be OK for you to meet me at 5pm?

v  When is the best time, I can talk to you?

v  Can you help me with this new software?

 

On the surface level, both the statement types looks polite and courteous, but ask yourself which one sounds better and which one has a likely chance of getting someone’s cooperation?

 

Perhaps, it is the second f that in a TELL statement the onus is on the “I, whereas in an ASK statement the onus is in the “You”. When we TELL, our communication is self-centred, whereas when we ask, our communication style is, other centred. That is why when we ask, people feel respected, whereas when we tell, people feel commanded. People tend to respond positively to request than to orders.

 

When you ASK, you generally get either a positive response or a genuine response. I am purposefully using the word genuine response, instead of negative response, because most of the time, the reason for us to TELL instead of ASK, is that we are afraid to hear NO as an answer, so we put our statements, in the form of instructions. But the truth is when we TELL people to do something, it is a sort of a compulsion on them and therefore their willingness is minimal. With minimal willingness, we often get a half-hearted co-operation or a low quality work done.

 

By asking questions, we encourage people to think for themselves, rather than just bull dozing our ideas and plans on them. When we are looking for a genuine co-operation and thinking in terms of developing a long term relationship, with someone it is always better to have their consent, before entrusting them with any job. Moreover, when they say YES willingly, they take personal responsibility and therefore there is no need for supervision.

 

Question yourself, “Do I ASK or do I TELL? Identify your style and if you are a TELL person, take conscious efforts to become and ASK person. Try this with the members of your family, circle of friends and colleagues at your work place. See what difference it makes. You will find that you are able to get more out of your relationships.

 

It may sound that this is just a diplomatic way of manipulating a person to get work done. Well, it is not! It is just like having a sugar coating in the tablet. Though we know that it is bitter tablet, that cures; it is the sugar coating that makes it easy to swallow. Is it not? Similarly, when our words are sweet, people love to help us, even if the work is hard.

 

 

D. Senthil Kannan,

Managing Trustee, PALMS, Tuticorin.

Author of "Transformational Thoughts" - A Journey of learning 

Email: senthilkannand@gmail.com