Do you Ask or Do you Tell?
If
you start to observe closely the way how people communicate, you will realise
that there are predominantly two types of communication styles. One is ASKING
and another is TELLING. So what is the difference? The difference is simply in
the way you phrase the sentence. That is all! But the type of response you get
when ASKED Vs when TOLD could be significantly different. For example, when we
are in need of something or need to get something done, we could either ASK or
TELL.
If
we are an TELL person, our communication style will be something like this:
v Please
get me some water to drink
v Come
and meet me at 5pm.
v I
want to discuss something important, right now.
v I have installed new software and don’t know how
to use it. I need your help.
Whereas,
if we are an ASK person, our communication style, for the same above
statements, would be something like this:
v Can
you please get me some water to drink?
v Will
it be OK for you to meet me at 5pm?
v When
is the best time, I can talk to you?
v Can
you help me with this new software?
On
the surface level, both the statement types looks polite and courteous, but ask
yourself which one sounds better and which one has a likely chance of getting
someone’s cooperation?
Perhaps,
it is the second f that in a TELL statement the onus is on the “I, whereas in
an ASK statement the onus is in the “You”. When we TELL, our communication is
self-centred, whereas when we ask, our communication style is, other centred.
That is why when we ask, people feel respected, whereas when we tell, people
feel commanded. People tend to respond positively to request than to orders.
When
you ASK, you generally get either a positive response or a genuine response. I
am purposefully using the word genuine response, instead of negative response,
because most of the time, the reason for us to TELL instead of ASK, is that we
are afraid to hear NO as an answer, so we put our statements, in the form of
instructions. But the truth is when we TELL people to do something, it is a sort
of a compulsion on them and therefore their willingness is minimal. With
minimal willingness, we often get a half-hearted co-operation or a low quality
work done.
By
asking questions, we encourage people to think for themselves, rather than just
bull dozing our ideas and plans on them. When we are looking for a genuine
co-operation and thinking in terms of developing a long term relationship, with
someone it is always better to have their consent, before entrusting them with
any job. Moreover, when they say YES willingly, they take personal
responsibility and therefore there is no need for supervision.
Question
yourself, “Do I ASK or do I TELL? Identify your style and if you are a TELL
person, take conscious efforts to become and ASK person. Try this with the
members of your family, circle of friends and colleagues at your work place.
See what difference it makes. You will find that you are able to get more out
of your relationships.
It
may sound that this is just a diplomatic way of manipulating a person to get
work done. Well, it is not! It is just like having a sugar coating in the
tablet. Though we know that it is bitter tablet, that cures; it is the sugar
coating that makes it easy to swallow. Is it not? Similarly, when our words are
sweet, people love to help us, even if the work is hard.
D. Senthil Kannan,
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