The Joy of Finding New Relationships

Wedding times are the times of bonding between family members.  It is a pleasant experience, as all the family members got involved in organizing the function and making a lot of preparations. A family looks a little bigger than it ever was, with so many new faces joining in. As it is said, marriage is not just a joining of two persons, but two families. For sure, every wedding brings with it a number of new people into our life, in the form of new relationships.

 

I reflected a little deeply on the evolving nature of relationships. I feel that the families are shrinking in size, with most of the new generation not preferring to have more than two kids. Gone are the days, when we saw large families of 8 to 12 children and so on. Those days, we had so many uncles and so many aunts, so many cousins, whose name even we were not sure of.  But with the current trend, the number of relations we will have in the next few years will automatically get greatly reduced. Already, most of us are finding ourselves in a situation where we have more friends as compared to the number of family relations. 

Try out this small exercise. Take a piece of paper and write down the names of all the people who you know, people whose names you can recognize by seeing their faces, and the people who in turn know you, by your name. You will be surprised that you cannot write more than 2000 names, no matter your age, your memory capability or your networking skills. Knowing 2000 people in a world of over 7 billion people, is such a tiny figure. Is it not?

 

The need to relate with people, to share and care is one of our primary needs. We as human beings crave for social belonging and acceptance. The feeling of being as a crowd gives a sense of well being and security. In order to achieve this we need to re-learn the art of relating with people. We can no more take our relationships for granted. We need to nurture them in order to sustain them. No one is going to come talk with someone who always has a long face, who always shows anger, who has a criticizing approach, who gives a sly look, who gets tensed and causes tension to others, who is harsh with his words and tone, who does not respects other feelings, who tries to unduly dominate in a group. In fact, by doing so they are losing out on relationships, day by day and there will be a day when they will be all alone. Even then, they will keep blaming the people for deserting them and never realize where they went wrong.

Let us not close the door of our heart to new relationship. Let us always have a welcome smile, so that anyone feels comfortable coming and talking to us. Every new acquaintance is an opportunity for a wonderful relationship to blossom. What we are going to do with the acquaintance is totally in our hands. We can maintain a “hi, bye” relationship or take it a little further and try to understand them, share their interest and relate with them, know more about their children, remember their special occasions and give gifts, visit them when they are sick or hospitalized,  and develop a little intimacy. These little acts of kindness will go a long way in building great relationships.

 

Friendliness is not a terminology meant only for friends. It is common to all relationships. What we need to understand is that, in the future relationship will greatly depend upon how friendly we are with people and not by the relationship. Let us be a friend to our relations, be it our spouse, our children, our parents, our sister or brother, our cousins, our uncles and aunts, our in-laws. In due course, you will find you are not alone, but you have a great team to back you up.

    D. Senthil Kannan,

   Managing Trustee, PALMS, Tuticorin.

   Author of "Transformational Thoughts" - A Journey of learning 

   Email: senthilkannand@gmail.com

Let Our Children Pursue their Passion

Way back in 1960, a survey was done in America with a group of 1500 fresh college graduates who had taken up a new career. They were asked why they chose the particular career that they had chosen. They had 2 options.

                

             Option A: I chose this career for the money in it.
         Option B: I chose this career for I am passionate about it.

 

Out of the 1500, 1245 people (83%) chose option A and the balance 255 people (17%) chose option B. The same group of people were interviewed after 20 years and they found that out of the 1500 people, 101 people had attained the status of millionaires. The interesting part is that 100 of those millionaires were the ones who chose option B, during the survey in 1960 and only 1 who had chosen option A. The result of the survey was surprising. While people who aspired for money did not make it very big in life, the majority of the people who followed their passion, became millionaires. This is not irony, but the law of life. When you follow your passion, success comes to you naturally and money is just a by-product of our success. Whereas when your focus is in earning money, by doing  a job you are not passionate about or not happy about, you end up doing an inferior job and never get the expected returns.

 

Now ask yourself, “Am I happy about my career?” Is the work that I am doing, is something that I am truly passionate about”. If your answer is affirmative then you are lucky. I know not many people of our generation can say that.  For most people, the career choice was made by parents, teachers or so called educated relatives.

 

One of the major challenges of teenagers is that, it is at this age they are very confused in life and easily influenced by others. The best we can do for them at this stage is to clarify their doubts and be willing to accept whatever decision they make. With a clear mind and the confidence that you will back them up, no matter how long it takes, our children would make the best choices that are suitable to them. As they grew up, from a toddler to a teenager, we would have invariably made a number of choices for them, saying that, “I know what is best for my child”, but this is not something we can take for granted. We need to take efforts to help them discover their passion. It is a matter of their life and so let the choice be theirs.

 

Movies like “3 Idiots” in Hindi and its Tamil remake “Nanban” goes on to reaffirm this idea, of following one’s own passion.  Still not every parent is convinced. They want their children to get into popular professions like Doctor, Engineer, IAS, Chartered Accountant etc. It is a matter of social status to them. Believe me, there is abundant opportunity available in every field, especially in a country like ours where the economy is steadfastly booming. There are so many new areas of interests such as a Radio jockey, TV anchor, fast food business, tour guide, beauty salon, costume designer, so on and so forth. The possibilities are endless. There is no job inferior or superior. It is our attitude towards it that makes it so. Many people have made it big by choosing the not much trodden path, because there is less competition there.

 

A popular quote goes like this, “It is no shame to be a shoe maker, but it is a shame for a shoe maker to make bad shoes.” Being a class apart in whatever we do, gives one the needed recognition and rewards. This can be achieved only when one is passionate about what he is doing. So, our advice to our children, should only be, “Strive to be the best in whatever you choose to do.” With this mind set our children would create wonders and certainly make us proud.

 

   D. Senthil Kannan,

   Managing Trustee, PALMS, Tuticorin.

   Author of "Transformational Thoughts" - A Journey of learning 

   Email: senthilkannand@gmail.com

Why We Do, What We Do

Most of us would have somewhere heard this famous parable of two brothers, which goes something like this. A father had two sons. The elder son was a drunkard and a notorious person. In the contrary the younger son was a highly disciplined person, and a teetotaler. People were surprised how there could be two different types of children for the same father and out of curiosity, one person went and asked the elder son, “Why are you into the habit of regular drinking?”, for which the elders son replied; “My father was a drunkard and so am I”.  The person who questioned, then went to the younger brother and asked, “How is that in spite of your father being a drunkard, you are such a nice person?”, The younger son replied, “Because my father was a drunkard, I have seen all the troubles my mother and my family has faced and that made me decide that I will not drink”. The incident is the same, but the outcome of the incident differs from person to person, based on his perception of life.

 

Anything we do in life needs a lot of emotional conviction. With mental conviction we may be able to do something for sometime, but only with emotional conviction we can do something all the time.

 

Let me draw an example, from my own life. I go for my morning walk regularly. I do my yoga exercises, regularly. As much as possible I try not to skip this routine exercise schedule. For people from outside it may look like, I am just fanatic about my exercise schedule. But to me, the reason for this type of conviction is a lot different. I am in fact gripped by a fear, which motivates me. Sometimes fear serves as a better motivation than appreciation.

 

My father was a diabetic and he took regular insulin. It was painful to see the daily injections he has to prick on himself. Doctors say, walking is a good antidote to diabetes.

 

I have seen my mother suffer as a bed ridden person for four years, before she died, due to her lower spine problem. Yoga is a good antidote for stiff back, because these exercises help in improving the flexibility.

 

Today, doctors claim that most of our diseases are genetic. Given this perspective, it is better to practice the philosophy of “prevention is better than cure”. In some cases we may not be able to avoid, but we may be able to postpone. There are so many things that happen beyond our control, but it is also true that we can to a great level, have influence on our health, by developing health eating habits, getting into an exercise schedule.

 

I caught the first spark of intelligence, on “prevention is better than cure” from one of my staff, many years ago. When we used to order for coffee, he used to say without sugar, every time. This gave me an impression that he was a diabetic. On questioning, he replied, “I am not a diabetic; but my father is. I am just trying to postpone my diabetic inclination, as far as I can”. His words had a lasting impact on me.

 

There are days I feel a bit lazy and try to avoid, waking up early in the morning, but the thought of future pain and suffering, makes me rise and go.  And once I am on, I enjoy my morning walk, more than anything else. I enjoy the gentle breeze, the soft rays of sunlight, my personal time with nature, and breathing in loads of fresh oxygen from the trees, that energizes me.

 

Not just about health, my friends. Anything we do in life, we need the emotional conviction, in order to keep going. The stronger the conviction, the easier it gets.

  D. Senthil Kannan,

  Managing Trustee, PALMS, Tuticorin.

  Author of "Transformational Thoughts" - A Journey of learning 

  Email: senthilkannand@gmail.com  

Need for more Counsellors, than Doctors

Stress is the No.1 killer of the 21^st century. This is the phrase we hear, quiet often nowadays.  So, what is this stress? Well, while there are so many definitions for stress, putting it in simple words, “Stress is the difficulty; a person faces to cope up with a challenging situation in life”.

 

Doctors confess that more health problems that they diagnose today are owing to mind related issues such as stress, anxiety, depression etc. A number of diseases such as heart attack, blood pressure, diabetics, head ache, mouth ulcers, insomnia and many more are now attributed to stress.

 

So, where does stress come from? It comes from all sides and in all forms, right from our corporate life to our family life. Wherever we are and wherever we go, there is a lot of expectation from us, and we in the process of trying to fulfil these expectations end up getting stressed. Right from young school going children to old people, stress seems to have spared no one.

 

Well, how does one cope up with stress? There are many advice from experts, right from engaging in some physical exercise, doing yoga and meditation, going to a spa, engaging in social activity, reading self-help books, listening to music, engaging in a hobby of your interest and so on. While I agree with all the above, the best way I feel a person can relieve his/ her stress is by talking to people, whom they can trust. When we are going through a challenging situation in life, we all feel a need to share it with someone who is willing to lend an ear, and listen empathetically to your situation and also give you the courage to face the situation in an appropriate manner. Sometimes, all it takes is a little reassurance or a friendly advice.

 

In earlier days, we had such a supportive mechanism in the form of joint families, where members of the family had an opportunity to share their problems, anger and disappointments with fellow family members and seek solace. With families becoming smaller, and everyone in the family pursuing their own careers, there seems to be a constraint of quality family time. The next best option was our close set of friends, to whom we could share what is going on in our lives. But the sad truth is that, they too do not find time to listen to our story. They themselves have a lot of issues to face and they are in a hurry. This does not make it conducive for us to open up ourselves, freely to them.

 

Everyone is in look out for someone, whom they can fully trust and confide their thoughts and feelings without being judged, commented or ridiculed. It is in this scenario, that the role of a psychological counsellor comes to play. A counsellor is a neutral person. He is there to help us. He is not judgemental. He gives us a patient listening. He gets paid for his time and his expertise in helping us open out ourselves. By way of questioning, he helps us to introspect and gain a better clarity of our own situation. Quiet often we are blind to our own fault and our vulnerable areas. The counsellor helps us become aware of our stumbling blocks and aids us in making the right decision. By doing so, he helps us feel much better and gain a better perspective of life.

 

When such sort of help is available, why not take it. What is holding us back? We are all conscious about our physical health. If we fall ill, we go to a doctor and take the needed treatment. But when it comes to mental health, we do not take the effort to address them. Stress is a mind related issue and a little help from a counsellor, will make us feel much better. But somewhere, we have wrongly learnt that sharing our problems with others is a sign of weakness. It is not true. Also, there is a lot of taboo, associated with visiting a psychological counsellor. People think only mental patients are taken for psychological counselling.  Again, it is not true.

 

Counselling is just, “helping by talking”. All of us need this sort of help at different points of time. Let us be bold to address these issues, by talking to a counsellor, rather than allowing it to pile up, and ultimately resulting into serious health related problem. If you are going through any stress or mental agony, don’t hesitate to take the help of a counsellor. It will definitely do you a world of good.

 

In my opinion, the world today is in need of more counsellors than doctors, because most of our present day health problems are mind related. We have heard this age old quote, “a healthy mind in a healthy body”. The reverse sounds even truer, “a healthy body is a result of a healthy mind”. So, if you need healthy body, take care of your mind.

    D. Senthil Kannan,

    Managing Trustee, PALMS, Tuticorin.

    Author of "Transformational Thoughts" - A Journey of learning 

    Email: senthilkannand@gmail.com

Are We Learning from our Mistakes?

It was one of the rainy days, I and my son, Sidhaarth were going on the car. I was in the driver’s seat and he was in the front passenger seat. As we all know, the condition of our roads during the rainy season is horrible with potholes here and there, allowing for stagnation of rain water. As I was driving, my car glided through a puddle of water and the water happened to splash upon one of the pedestrian walking by the side. I did not take much notice of it, but my son called out to my attention and said: “Dad, you just splashed the dirty water on a pedestrian”. By his voice I could understand that he was unhappy about what just happened. So, I took a defending stance by telling him, “What am I to do? The roads are like that”.  My son responded, “No dad, if you had slowed down the car where the water was stagnated, you could have avoided splashing water, on the person”. It was an invisible slap on my cheeks. I realized it was my mistake. I felt bad for being insensitive to the pedestrians. I resolved within myself, I will be more concerned about the pedestrians hereafter.

 

There are many instances in our life, when people bring to our attention, our mistakes, but most of the time, we just try to defy it, with our justification. Though later we realize that we were actually wrong. It is our ego or our sense of superiority that does not allow us to take it on the face.

 

Our natural instinct when somebody pinpoints our mistakes is to question, does that person deserve to comment on us. If we keep looking at things that way, nothing good is ever going to happen in our life. Let us say, you go to a doctor and he tells you that you have to stop smoking to save your lungs or stop drinking to save your liver and the same evening you see the same doctor, having a nice smoke and drink in a bar, you may tend to ask, “he does not practice what he preaches, then why does he advice”. But is that a wise question to ask? No!  You take his advice for his competency, as a doctor and not for his character as an individual person.

 

When any close friend of mine, pinpoint my mistakes, though at the first instance, it makes me a little upset, after a few minutes it makes me realize where I am wrong. It deepens my awareness. People, who see us from far, may think we are extraordinary, but it is those closest set of people who see us at close quarters, who can pinpoint our mistakes. It is the special right, we ourselves have endowed upon them.

 

My friend from the training fraternity, Mr. Angappan often uses this phrase in his training sessions. “Be happy, when your wife pinpoints your mistakes. Be happy when your boss finds fault with your work. Be happy when your close friends, tell you are wrong. If not for them, who else has got the right to pinpoint our mistakes. And if there is no one to make us aware of our mistakes, how do we learn and how do we grow”. I think it is a very valuable point. God has blessed us with wonderful relationships, not just to pamper us with nice pleasing words, but to give some constructive criticism which helps us change for the better.

 

I read a nice quote, “Everyone says, we learn from mistakes. But the learning happens only when we take steps to correct our mistakes.”  I think it is very true. We often admit, we are wrong, but we do not do much to correct our mistakes.

 

Let us resolve to learn from our mistakes and not repeat them.

   D. Senthil Kannan,

  Managing Trustee, PALMS, Tuticorin.

  Author of "Transformational Thoughts" - A Journey of learning 

  Email: senthilkannand@gmail.com